Way to "Go," Dad

There are no words....

to explain these words:

My, my. "Daddy" looks rather flushed, doesn't he?

Frankly, I'm not sure which would be more disturbing: a father giving this cake to his daughter, or someone referring to any kind of toilet activity as "daddy love." [gagging] Yeah. Ok, well, if you'll excuse me, I have to go hack up a hairball now.

Solli S., you're #1 in my book. (And #2 in "Daddy's.")

- Related Wreckage: Any Occasion Will Do

First Canned Fruits

Ok, here's the thing: we were totally gonna do an all-new, exciting, hilariously intelligent post on Kwanzaa today. However, it turns out there are no new Kwanzaa wrecks to be found, exciting or otherwise.

Well, except maybe this one:

Which isn't all that exciting. And is probably a Hanukkah wreck anyway.

So, as a "compromise" (read "lazy"), we've decided to take another look at last year's doozie of a Kwanzaa catastrophe made by the one and only Sandra Lee. Think of it as one of those really uncomfortable yearly traditions. Like when Aunt Janet gets drunk on Goldschläger at "Winterfest" and hits on Father Jenkins. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Now, to refresh your memories, this is the wreck:

As you can see, it really captures the essence of Kwanzaa: family, community, culture, and corn nuts. It's all there.

And in case you want to make your own, here's a handy diagram courtesy of One Horse Shy breaking down the ingredient list for you:

Mmmmm.

Ok, now that we're fully primed and prepped, let's watch Sandra Lee work her magic:



So... culturally sensitive.


Happy Kwanzaa, all.

Our 1000th Post!

Holy Schnikes, Wreckies, can you believe this is our 1,000th Cake Wrecks post?!?

Yeah. So can I. ("Hey, John, write up another apology. This time you ticked off Weimaraner owners.")

Still, we've come a long way since that night I was bored and thought someone piping "under neat that" on a cake warranted a goofy cake blog. 'Course, at the time, I didn't think a cake could get much worse.

Um...

Yep. We've come a loooong way, baby.

We've discovered the uncharted horrors of the cupcake cake [patooie!]:



Delved into the creeptastic world of cakey cannibalism:


Learned to put numbers in their proper place:


Not to mention quotation marks!


Then there are the mounds of pastry poo, unintentionally suggestive turkeys, wedding day disasters...oh! And the hardest word in the English language to spell:

I like it.

But *most* importantly, we've learned what giant golf balls are called:

Say it with me, now:

Mission: Space!

Many thanks to wreckporters Kimberly F., Christopher T., Kathryn H., Cyndi P., Dao, Erin B., Jr M., & Kellie B., who all got that joke.

I hope.

----------------------------------------------

CCC Day #5

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.

Please click here to donate your dollar via First Giving.

Let's Hear It For The Bird

Woohoo! It's Thanksgiving! And in honor of the occasion, our trusty turkey cakes have prepared a little message for us:

Well. That's...depressing.

(Oh, and btw, parents, making little screaming sounds when you cut the head off may seem hilarious now, but those therapy bills later are a total buzzkill.)


Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

....

Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

The sign says, "Eat beef."

Beyond that, I have no answers.


Take away the giant piece of plastic, and this next one is just a big hand...

...giving us the bird.

[Ba-dum bump!]


But seriously, are there no cheerful turkey cakes in here?

"I am far too consternated by my Groucho eyebrows and gaping body cavern to be cheerful."

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps, too."


"I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

"And I have no head."



[sing-song] "But I do-ooo!"

You doo-doo indeed, mon.

Thanks to Lacee H., Vicky J., Mike T., Julie M., Jimmy, Aaron, Cristina, & Kelli E., who think those dread logs are Rastafar-Out!

I'm Hunting Wreck-Its

Tracy in Washington wrote a while back to request Wrecks with, and I quote, "all manner of dead animals, people with shotguns or rifles, or dogs pointing at birds." Because apparently Fall is hunting season. And she seemed rather happy about it.

And, since I don't generally make it a practice to disappoint people with shotguns: Tracy, this one's for you.

- Shotgun shells?

Check.
- Edible photo of a deceased duck?
Check.
- For a groom's cake?
Check, please.

'Course, the dead duck in that picture IS a little subtle. I mean, he might just be sleeping. How are your guests supposed to know that the duck has, without question, joined the choir invisible?

Fortunately, there's always this option:

Now that's a dead duck.

Also, I've seen a lot of these cakes, and I have to ask: why shotgun shells and chocolate-coated strawberries? Why not shotgun shells and pineapple? Shotgun shells and kiwi? Or, heck, shotgun shells and sprinkles? I mean, so long as you have actual shotgun shells for the groomsmen to pluck off the cake and load their guns with, we're all good, right?

Aw, rats. These shells are edible:

If not recognizable.


Getting back to the deceased fowl, though, here we have a lovely SWEET MERCY WHAT IS HE DOING TO THAT TURKEY?!?

Not cool, man. Not cool.


'Course, when it comes to hunting cakes, most folks prefer a little more bang for their buck:

This is like one of those 20 questions games: there's a dead deer in the middle of a forest, with a Diving flag beside him. Now: How did he die?


Wow. I just realized: there's nothing like a dead deer cake to make you appreciate the ones without gunshot wounds:

Plus I kind of like this guy. He's all, "What? You want a piece of me? Huh, punk? YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?"

Or, for a more subtle touch, try just jamming a set of antlers in your cake:

I tried this once with a set of chicken wings. In related news: some people just have no sense of humor.

Well, Tracy, Elmer Fudd, and the rest of you, in conclusion:

May all your Tinsel-Horned Snorkacks* be the stuff of legends.

Thanks, Paula L., Cory & Haley, Ramona S., Hollye S., Carly, Sandy C., Heather F., & Kristen S. I hope these were worth the doe!


*Note from john: If you got this reference, I'm slow clapping in your general direction.

**Note from Jen: If you got the reference *and* understood that we purposely changed "crumple" to "tinsel," then I'm awarding you virtual gold stars.

And there is no hidden meaning to "slow clapping." Honest.

Parent Appreciation Day

Think you have a shot at "most embarrassing parents?"


Not anymore.

The fact that "period" is spelled wrong pales in comparison with, you know, everything else.


Still, it could've been worse. Lucy's parents could have put her picture on the cake:

And then served it with a side of drippy cherry cheesecake.

Really.


Then again, is that really any worse than a commemorative toilet training cake?

Guys, there is such a thing as a generic celebration cake, you know. Just sayin'.

Oh, and Mom? Dad? I love you.

Thanks for the perspective, Anony M., Victoria C., & Britany S. And also for the vocabulary lesson.

Well, That's Horrifying

You know, I thought eating a cake baby was wrong.

I thought it couldn't get any worse. (At least not legally.)

Then

I

saw

this:




Michelle M., I am never eating meatloaf again.

YAY FOR TATAS!!

Ahem.

[adjusting glasses] October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This is a time to raise awareness, celebrate our survivors, and work together towards finding a cure for this horrible disease.

And also butcher some pink ribbon cakes.

Like so:

Ok. So. Wreckerators. Can we talk? I'd like to talk.

Here's the thing: you have THREE PLASTIC PINK RIBBONS ON THE CAKE. All you had to do was copy ONE of them. That's it. It's a loop. ONE LOOP. And what did you do? Well, honestly, I have no idea what you did. What is that? A folding chair? A bow? A naked person's heiny?

(Made you look.)

Maybe if the Wreckerator only had to draw a ribbon on the cake...

Never mind.

Ah, now here is someone who has mastered the art of the one-loop ribbon!

Next we'll tackle spelling.

Survior: (n) one who surves.
"I would like to surve this Canadian gosling. Please pass the peanut butter."

As anyone with a cancer-survivor in their life knows, finally getting that clean bill of health is a huge deal. HUGE. We're talking party like it's 1999 time. We're talking - oh yeah - CAKE.

Not this cake.

DEFINITELY not this cake.

Note to Wreckerators: When celebrating the successful vanquishing of tumors, it is never a good idea to put tumors on the cake. Please add this to the training manual. Right under "No more edible cancer rats for fundraisers."

Thanks to my breast Wreckporters Dorei, Sarah D., Beth, & Chelsi. You guys rock. Please pass the peanut butter.

Wreck, Reuse, Recycle

Edible photos are becoming increasingly popular with bakeries these days, but we should keep in mind that this is not a cheap technology. In fact, it's quite expensive, what with the special printers, edible ink, and, of course, the moon dust and mithril-coated unicorn hair they use for paper.


Hm?

Wait. You're saying they *don't* use moon dust and mythril-coated unicorn hair for paper?

Well, then, how do you explain...THIS?

They reused the printer's test sheet.

Seriously.

You know, Denis C., if the sheets cost this much, maybe they should consider just going back to Spiderman Head.


BWAHAHAHAAA!!

Just kidding.

But seriously, stop with the edible printing already.

No Offense

Since our posts here on CW invariably manage to offend someone - carrot lovers, grammar Nazis, Canadians - we've decided that *today's* commentary won't be offensive to anyone. Literally. In fact, it's going to be SO inoffensive that I'm trying not to fall asleep as I type thikjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Huh? What? Where am I? Oh, yeah, non-offensive.

I forgot to mention that I'll be randomly choosing cakes from our archives, so there's really no telling what cakes we'll end up with. Rest assured that the commentary will be completely inoffensive, though. Promise.

Okay, here goes. Our first cake is #4,312:

"Hey-o! Are those supposed to be balloons, or, like, what?"

Huh, this inoffensive stuff is easy! Nothing to it.

Okay, next we have cake #245...

Hm. Inoffensive. Okay. "Boy, oh boy! What a fine, upstanding reputable bird that is! I salute pay respect to the baker who came up with imagined this design! That's not a peacock, is it?"

Alright, so this is kind of hard difficult. I'm sure I'll do better on the next one, though.

Cake #8,062:

[biting lip] Uh. Hang on.

[looks up e-mail]

Well, according to Stetson here, this is actually a bakery display in Colombia. [drumming fingers] Hm. Oh! I know: "Hey, was this decorated by gorillas or something?"

Yeah, I think I'm hitting my stride again. No *way* I'm going to offend anyone with that.

Next!

Cake #4,207:

[crickets chirping]

NEXT!

#793:

OH COME ON!!
Really?!?

Okay, last one. [Shaking digital dice] C'mon, inoffensive!

Cake #2,093:

I give up.

Denise, Lisa M., Stetson J., Brindy W., Karin D., & Megan C., if you're still reading this, thanks. I think.

Somewhere in Germany...

"Tyler! Stop hitting your sister. Oh, look, hun! A bakery with an outdoor cafe! Let's stop in and get a treat for the kids. Whaddya say, Madison? Sound good?


"Oooh, wow, it all looks good! So hard to decide. Well, I think I'll get a couple of the chocolate donuts for the kids... Oh! And I'll have some of that cherry cheesecake. Yummy... hm? What's that, hun? Oh, ok. ...And my wife would like a big ol' slice of the dong cake, please!"

"Tyler! Get your face off the glass!"

Ah, Europe! You're so... European.

Thanks to Andrea G. (And yes, the smiley face really did have to be that big.)

Update: Listen! I really can't put the uncensored version up. (I know too many 9 year olds who read the blog.) But if you really want to see it, email me at comments(at)cakewrecks.com and I'll send it to you. Unless you're 9. In which case shame on you for even asking.

Update to the update: I have now sent out well over 300 uncensored dong cakes. I gotta tell you, if someone had asked me five years ago what I'd be doing in five years, I probably wouldn't have said, "Sending out explicit pictures of dong cakes to curious readers of our cake humor blog." I feel dirty. But in a good way.

Jane Austen's Baby Shower Chronicles

"Thank you all so much for joining me on this joyful occasion, as we celebrate the impending birth of my first child. It gives me such pleasure to see your smiling faces on this wondrous, happy day. Indeed, I am all amazement!

"I understand that you all mistook the "BYOC" on your invitations to mean 'Bring Your Own Cake.' [giggle] No matter, though! If we have no chairs, then we'll simply stand!

"Now, pray, show me these glorious confections you've brought for our afternoon respite! Eleanor, dear, you first.

"Oh. Oh, my, Eleanor. Isn't this...lovely? I am...well...truly speechless!


"Lydia, what deliciousness have you prepared?

[blushing] "Good heavens! I...I thank you, for your kindness, Lydia. Truly. I'll just...put your cake over here. Out of the sun. Under this bonnet.


"Elizabeth, darling! What kindness have you done me, in preparing such a large platter?

"AAAEEEII!! [faints]

[coming to] "Oh, do forgive that unpardonable display of emotion, Elizabeth. I was simply overcome with unimaginable...that is to say, I...it's just that...

"Oh, c'mon, Liz. Really? I mean, really?

"Ahem. Do excuse me, please. I believe the heat must be addling my senses.

"Now, Lord Harrington, I understand that you have also prepared a dessert! I am honored beyond words that you would bestow such a kindness...

[crickets chirping]

"Are you frickin' kidding me?!?

"What is WRONG with all of you? I invite you to my estate, I let you stand on my lawn, I have my servants cook for you, and THIS is how you repay me?!? You're all JERKS, you know that? Abominable, improper, insensitive, butt-faced JERKS. And you smell. Yes, I'm looking at you, Elizabeth.

"Catherine, do I even want to know what monstrosity you've brought to ruin my party?

"Oh... [blinking]

"It's actually quite nice.

[flourishing serving knife] "Cake, anyone?"

To my dearest acquaintances, Lora, Angela W., Anony M., Kelly R., and Crystal B.: I should imagine that this year's Proper Ladies Society will be the most popular yet!